Well, this week my nice walk with friends got a totally new meaning for me. Tuesday was nice, but I was still very emotional because it was my first day back to work after Dad's funeral. Today was good though, because mom came with me. Even though mom and I are still hurting so bad, it was a wonderful way for the two of us to talk and enjoy ourselves a little bit.
Tho, it doesn't seem right that we have a good time. We don't know what we're supposed to do...are we allowed to smile, laugh, and enjoy ourselves?! I feel like I should be in this constant cloud of sadness. Most of the time, I am...but sometimes I feel a smile come to my face and it feels so good. We watched a movie tonight and I laughed really hard...now I feel so guilty for doing it.
I just miss my dad so much. We didn't talk everyday, but I won't ever get to talk to him again. Now I'll never feel his prickly mustache-y kisses and I'll never hear him call me Sassy again. I'll never get to give him the granddaughter he wanted so badly to spoil. I do know that my daughter will be given the name he wanted me to have, which is Hannah.
I can't help but sit here and cry tonight. I just want so badly to see my dad again.
Bobby keeps asking why I'm crying tonight...did he do something, he says. Of course not dear, I'm just crying for my dad. There's just so much pain inside my heart and this is the only way that it can spill out...through my eyeballs.
When I started this little blog I wasn't sure that I would keep up with it...now I feel like I have to so that my dad can hear me. I want him to continue to be proud of me and know what's going on in my life...even though I know he's watching over me every day seeing all I do, but now he can hear my thoughts, too.
Now I'll go to bed with a heavy heart and a cloudy mind. I won't be able to sleep very well, because my mind will be running with memories of my dad. I hope none of you ever have to feel this pain, it's just too much.
God bless you all.
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